Sunday, 19 October 2014

Autumn leaves...

I love Autumn, the cold kissing your skin in the morning when you leave the house, the leaves turning shades of red and yellow before carpeting the ground in crunchy piles you just want to jump in. Autumn brings out the slow cookers and dreams of warm riching foods. Away go the summer dresses and sandals, and old favourite chunky jumpers and luxurious long boots stand proud waiting to be worn. I love autumn.

I hate Autumn. The colder weather bringing on the pains and stiffness I get in my joints and muscles. The slippy leaves and damp pavements, waiting to catch me out. Autumn brings in the darker days, the longer periods of bleakness and darkness. The never ending fireworks and the feeling of heaviness sets in the mind. Things seems dull and tinged with grey and the lack of flowers and the bare trees make it all look stark. The SAD appears and life becomes a challenge. Getting up isn't as appealing and you know winter is waiting to grab you in its icy embrace, to drag you further down.  

For me it also brings around my birthday. And then there is Christmas. It's hard to look forward to either when every day is a battle. I do it though. I get up and give myself a firm talking to. I stare into my eyes and challenge the depression to try and beat me. Not today. It won't beat me today. My mask might slip, my words might come out as harsh or blunt, but life isn't all rainbows and butterflies. I mark each night as a success. I've done it again. I'm still here. Just bring it on, I'm not ready to stop and lie down yet.

Sunday, 5 October 2014

You must be easy....

Because you are so fat.

This is what some callous little scrote said to me last night. I'm very aware of my size, and really don't need it pointed out to me. I think it hit me harder as I don't often get vicious words flung at me. His opinion is worth nothing, but it started the little voice off in my head. The one of self doubt and hatred. I'd usually hide away, but I didn't. I went to the ladies and faced my nemesis, my reflection. I suffer body dysmorphia, I have for years. When I was 16 I was put on a very heavy steroid based drug and I ballooned, I mean seriously ballooned to 18st. Every ounce of self respect I had left me, and I gained this image. Tall and leggy, big breasted, and fat. Very fat. I tried to pretend I wasn't and tricked myself that black was the only colour to wear, but nothing that clung. Parties were a nightmare as I'd try and find a dress that looked nice and not like a mumu, or clung and showed the caterpillar affect that the mass weight gain caused. I refused to have long mirrors in the house, and photos are pretty scarce from those days. The thought of there being images of me for others to see petrified me. As time went on, I realised I wasn't seeing what others did. I shifted 3st over time, but my view of myself never changed. All I saw looking back at me was the obese teenager medicine had turn me into. I've battled with my weight since then, and even to this day, the fat, sad girl looks back at me, tears in her eyes that are blinked back before the smile is painted on. I can change my clothes numerous times before I leave the house, not matter what others say. 

One day I am determined to look in the mirror, or catch my reflection in a window, and see what is there. Not my demons

Wednesday, 1 October 2014

Project October- 2014 style!

So; it's that time of year again when people quit smoking and/or drinking for a month. Both are worthy of acknowledgment, and if you are doing this then I salute you all. For me, it doesn't hold much weight and so I take this month to make some positive changes. October to me, is the start of my favourite time of year, autumn. I love autumn, the crisp smelling air, the cooler weather and the changes to nature. Don't get me wrong, it has downsides for me too! The SAD creeping in and my body sulking over lack of Vitamin D, the damp air settling in and causing my body merry Hell. So, last year I decided I wanted to find a way of coping with the changes I can't do anything about, by focusing on changes I can do myself and this year is no different.


Diabetes - The last year has been majorly stressful, which has lead to my diabetes being a little unpredictable. I am a good girl, and inject as I should, but I downloaded an app to my phone which allows me to track all changes and spot any triggers. It's all set up, and I think it might subconsciously help me make better choices and not slip so easil

Self Image and worth - At some point, I will get round to writing a post about my self image, my triggers and my body dysmorphia. Today is not the day, and this is not the post for that. Those who know me well, know my history with my body and the true levels of loathing I have with every aspect of myself. I want to focus on this again, as the mental impact I have from slight changes in a positive manner, are pretty large. So, I want to write a list of what I do like about myself and it will be my focus. For every negative thought, I will counteract it with a positive. It's gotta be worth a shot, right? When I feel I've achieved nothing, and time is running away, I can look at the list and find so,etching constructive to do with my time.

That age old battle. Weight loss- I've done pretty much every diet you can think, even stupid ones that potentially put me and my poor system at risk. I can diet til the world ends, but at the end of the day, I don't believe progress will happen unless it's something I commit to. Once again, it's small simple changes, and a healthier attitude towards food. It's not the enemy, it's a wonderful ally. I've decided to try something new each week, expand my skill set in the kitchen and broaden my taste horizons. 

Often the other side of the coin is exercise. I agree that exercise is needed, but I'm pretty limited with the shoulder healing from a major dislocation, the collapsing knee with no muscular support and the chronic nerve pains in my legs. Miracle, anyone? A walk a day is a must for me, but I'm hoping to introduce stretches no swimming to it during the month ahead.

Be Happy - Sounds simple, right? We all notice the bad stuff more than the good. So, it's time I hold onto what makes me happy and go for it.

There are one or two other things, but a girl has her secrets. Happy October!!