Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Duvet Caves and Black Dog Days

Depression. It's a common illness yet still treated with kid gloves and funny looks. I have depression. 

I also have other mental illnesses, but depression and I are old friends. I've spent many a year coming to terms with it, and in time have learnt how to cope and what helps me, but every person is different. I don't like being smothered or fussed over, I used to lock myself away and sleep all the hours I could. I'd eat total rubbish and not care what it was doing to m, it was a comfort. Then I'd hit a hyper phase. and go out drinking and push my luck, try and pretend I was on top of the world when inside I was broken. Lost. I'd neglect myself, abuse my healthcare and burn myself out. I'd spend every penny I had, then feel absolute guilt and sickness, before returning as much as I could. I dealt with it in the most unhealthy manners possible.  One day, something changed. I met an amazing psychologist and she really pulled me back from the brink. I learnt it wasn't anything shameful, that the strongest people, the most driven of us suffer. To be depressed isn't to be weak. I learnt my demons don't make me any less of a person and that people care, not all will turn when the going gets tough. I also accepted people will walk away, but it doesn't mean I drove them to it. Many years of blaming myself, and thinking I was a bad person and must be the catalyst took their toll, and I still wonder what I could have done better to save one friendship or another. Anyway. I'm getting off track.

The black dog is still a major part of my life, and most days we do ok. Sadly, recent events have meant my shadow has grown and is consuming me. My depression and I have a way these days of managing, and I'm not ready to let it take the reins, not yet. As much as I want to run and hide for as long as possible in a duvet cave, I'm getting out of bed whilst morning is still about. I'm dressing and leaving the house. I take days an hour at a time and if I truly feel I can't face something, I don't push myself. I'm still making an effort and caring for my appearance, I'm eating sensibly and making sure I haven't cut people out. Sure, it isn't easy and things such as my sex drive, patience and sociaibility have taken a a hit, but I've not gone off the rails. I don't like telling people I have health problems, as then they tend to treat me differently. The pity appears, then the admiration. I never know how to handle it, and since I'm not the best a talking emotions or even recognising them, it can often lead to a alot of frustration and anger on my part, as I'm not sure if people are being genuine or not. Just carry on as before, talk to me like before. I'm still me. Just a little more fragile tis all. I will answer, but may take my time. I still laugh and smile, just not as much. I just need to take it all one step at a time.

Wednesday, 1 January 2014

New year...

New you. Heard it before? Even said it yourself? I think most of us have.

This year, I haven't, and I'm not going to. Why? Because I don't need to be a "new" me, I just need to be Me.  This doesn't mean I haven't got things to work on, because believe me, I have! I have weight I want to lose, fitness levels I want to improve and other things we all swear to change at the beginning of the year. But these aren't resolutions for me, just part of the bigger picture. I have to have surgery this year to repair a Labral year in my hip. I say hip, to be honest it's more in the groin and it is a right sod. My range of movement is reduced dramatically, and thanks to it the only exercise I'm allowed is 15 mins of swimming, once a week. Yep, you read that right. This kinda threw my plans out the window, but it's better than nothing at all. So, due to the upcoming surgery, I have decided that the first six months of 2014 will be as productive as possible., and also be spent making sure I'm healthier and fitter to be able to cope with surgery, before being stuck on my arse for about six months whilst I heal. The joys of such surgery when you are a diabetic with Ehler-Danlos Syndrome type III, you really suck at healing! 

So; what's on my list for this year? All sorts. Let's start with the typicals.
Food:Yep, like 90% of you, I'll be aiming to change my eating habits. Last year before I had major diabetes issues (long story) I was happily doing the 5:2 diet. For me, it's ideal. No faff, no fuss and no "must avoid" foods. I know what calorie decrease is safe for me, and I know that within a fortnight, I don't feel the hunger or notice the calorie drop so I'm going back to basics with this and planning to approach it like a newbie. Menu planning is a MUST for me when I do this, but I really enjoy doing such things anyway. I'll be looking for new recipes, so if any of you have any then send them to me!

Fitness: That's right, fitness. Not exercise but general fitness. Much to the relief of many, I'm determined this year that the cigarettes will go and stay gone. The health benefits are pretty well known, but I should also cope much better with anaesthetic and healing too. Due to my exercise options being pretty much out of my control, I will enjoy my 15 mins of swimming, my Physio sessions, walks and oh yes, I will use sex as an excuse for some cardio...

Self worth: I have spent most of my life, being my worst enemy. I've never held myself in high regard, so I struggle to see anything about me but my flaws, the negatives. For every good point, I could find five bad, and it really isn't a healthy thing to do. I have no plans to be someone or something I'm not, I just want to learn to accept the good things, without always searching for the bad. To help me here, I've  decided I need to include more glamour in my choice of clothes and make the most of my assets, and what awesome assets I have too! (Behave you lot)


Hobbies: At present, working is not a viable option, so I'm often stuck with time and nothing to do to fill it. So, I've decided I need hobbies. I'm revisiting my French, and hoping to learn Italian after. I am determined to learn to knit, and also want to improve my photography. I need things to exercise my mind as I feel like it is deteriorating along with the rest of me. I just might be a multilingual, multitalented woman by the end of the year! I also want to focus in my writing, expand my style and way with words and work on my website, as well as on a project that will possibly lead to publication, but don't hold me to to that, y'know, no pressure and shizznit.

Excess: I noticed I seem to have an abundance of lotions and potions, shower gels and scrubs, nail polishes and perfumes too. Being a female these are the easy fall back options for people when it comes to gifts, and quite frankly people either ink I hum, or just like to make me smell amazing all the time (which u do, I always smell good!). This year I am going to try and avoid buying any perfume,toiletries or nail polishes, until I reduce the excess I am currently hoarding. I kid you not, I could give Boots a run for their money at the moment.

Finances: I hate this aspect of life, the money one. All I can really say here is I am going to be plotting every bloody outgoing, and in some vain hope it might just mean I end up with less struggles each month, if I'm keeping such a close eye on it all. 

Road tripping!: This year I'd like to get out of London more, visit people and see new places. As much as I'd like to get out of the UK, just away from the big smog will do me for now, baby steps and all...

As much as I'd like to turn into a rich, jet setting beauty, I'll be content if I can make this year a little less harsh on me in all ways possible. Here is to 2014....