Autumn leaves...

I love Autumn, the cold kissing your skin in the morning when you leave the house, the leaves turning shades of red and yellow before carpeting the ground in crunchy piles you just want to jump in. Autumn brings out the slow cookers and dreams of warm riching foods. Away go the summer dresses and sandals, and old favourite chunky jumpers and luxurious long boots stand proud waiting to be worn. I love autumn.

I hate Autumn. The colder weather bringing on the pains and stiffness I get in my joints and muscles. The slippy leaves and damp pavements, waiting to catch me out. Autumn brings in the darker days, the longer periods of bleakness and darkness. The never ending fireworks and the feeling of heaviness sets in the mind. Things seems dull and tinged with grey and the lack of flowers and the bare trees make it all look stark. The SAD appears and life becomes a challenge. Getting up isn't as appealing and you know winter is waiting to grab you in its icy embrace, to drag you further down.  

For me it also brings around my birthday. And then there is Christmas. It's hard to look forward to either when every day is a battle. I do it though. I get up and give myself a firm talking to. I stare into my eyes and challenge the depression to try and beat me. Not today. It won't beat me today. My mask might slip, my words might come out as harsh or blunt, but life isn't all rainbows and butterflies. I mark each night as a success. I've done it again. I'm still here. Just bring it on, I'm not ready to stop and lie down yet.

You must be easy....

Because you are so fat.

This is what some callous little scrote said to me last night. I'm very aware of my size, and really don't need it pointed out to me. I think it hit me harder as I don't often get vicious words flung at me. His opinion is worth nothing, but it started the little voice off in my head. The one of self doubt and hatred. I'd usually hide away, but I didn't. I went to the ladies and faced my nemesis, my reflection. I suffer body dysmorphia, I have for years. When I was 16 I was put on a very heavy steroid based drug and I ballooned, I mean seriously ballooned to 18st. Every ounce of self respect I had left me, and I gained this image. Tall and leggy, big breasted, and fat. Very fat. I tried to pretend I wasn't and tricked myself that black was the only colour to wear, but nothing that clung. Parties were a nightmare as I'd try and find a dress that looked nice and not like a mumu, or clung and showed the caterpillar affect that the mass weight gain caused. I refused to have long mirrors in the house, and photos are pretty scarce from those days. The thought of there being images of me for others to see petrified me. As time went on, I realised I wasn't seeing what others did. I shifted 3st over time, but my view of myself never changed. All I saw looking back at me was the obese teenager medicine had turn me into. I've battled with my weight since then, and even to this day, the fat, sad girl looks back at me, tears in her eyes that are blinked back before the smile is painted on. I can change my clothes numerous times before I leave the house, not matter what others say. 

One day I am determined to look in the mirror, or catch my reflection in a window, and see what is there. Not my demons

Project October- 2014 style!

So; it's that time of year again when people quit smoking and/or drinking for a month. Both are worthy of acknowledgment, and if you are doing this then I salute you all. For me, it doesn't hold much weight and so I take this month to make some positive changes. October to me, is the start of my favourite time of year, autumn. I love autumn, the crisp smelling air, the cooler weather and the changes to nature. Don't get me wrong, it has downsides for me too! The SAD creeping in and my body sulking over lack of Vitamin D, the damp air settling in and causing my body merry Hell. So, last year I decided I wanted to find a way of coping with the changes I can't do anything about, by focusing on changes I can do myself and this year is no different.

 

Diabetes - The last year has been majorly stressful, which has lead to my diabetes being a little unpredictable. I am a good girl, and inject as I should, but I downloaded an app to my phone which allows me to track all changes and spot any triggers. It's all set up, and I think it might subconsciously help me make better choices and not slip so easil

Self Image and worth - At some point, I will get round to writing a post about my self image, my triggers and my body dysmorphia. Today is not the day, and this is not the post for that. Those who know me well, know my history with my body and the true levels of loathing I have with every aspect of myself. I want to focus on this again, as the mental impact I have from slight changes in a positive manner, are pretty large. So, I want to write a list of what I do like about myself and it will be my focus. For every negative thought, I will counteract it with a positive. It's gotta be worth a shot, right? When I feel I've achieved nothing, and time is running away, I can look at the list and find so,etching constructive to do with my time.

That age old battle. Weight loss- I've done pretty much every diet you can think, even stupid ones that potentially put me and my poor system at risk. I can diet til the world ends, but at the end of the day, I don't believe progress will happen unless it's something I commit to. Once again, it's small simple changes, and a healthier attitude towards food. It's not the enemy, it's a wonderful ally. I've decided to try something new each week, expand my skill set in the kitchen and broaden my taste horizons. 

Often the other side of the coin is exercise. I agree that exercise is needed, but I'm pretty limited with the shoulder healing from a major dislocation, the collapsing knee with no muscular support and the chronic nerve pains in my legs. Miracle, anyone? A walk a day is a must for me, but I'm hoping to introduce stretches no swimming to it during the month ahead.

Be Happy - Sounds simple, right? We all notice the bad stuff more than the good. So, it's time I hold onto what makes me happy and go for it.

There are one or two other things, but a girl has her secrets. Happy October!!

New year...

New you. Heard it before? Even said it yourself? I think most of us have.

This year, I haven't, and I'm not going to. Why? Because I don't need to be a "new" me, I just need to be Me.  This doesn't mean I haven't got things to work on, because believe me, I have! I have weight I want to lose, fitness levels I want to improve and other things we all swear to change at the beginning of the year. But these aren't resolutions for me, just part of the bigger picture. I have to have surgery this year to repair a Labral year in my hip. I say hip, to be honest it's more in the groin and it is a right sod. My range of movement is reduced dramatically, and thanks to it the only exercise I'm allowed is 15 mins of swimming, once a week. Yep, you read that right. This kinda threw my plans out the window, but it's better than nothing at all. So, due to the upcoming surgery, I have decided that the first six months of 2014 will be as productive as possible., and also be spent making sure I'm healthier and fitter to be able to cope with surgery, before being stuck on my arse for about six months whilst I heal. The joys of such surgery when you are a diabetic with Ehler-Danlos Syndrome type III, you really suck at healing! 

So; what's on my list for this year? All sorts. Let's start with the typicals.

Food:Yep, like 90% of you, I'll be aiming to change my eating habits. Last year before I had major diabetes issues (long story) I was happily doing the 5:2 diet. For me, it's ideal. No faff, no fuss and no "must avoid" foods. I know what calorie decrease is safe for me, and I know that within a fortnight, I don't feel the hunger or notice the calorie drop so I'm going back to basics with this and planning to approach it like a newbie. Menu planning is a MUST for me when I do this, but I really enjoy doing such things anyway. I'll be looking for new recipes, so if any of you have any then send them to me!

Fitness: That's right, fitness. Not exercise but general fitness. Much to the relief of many, I'm determined this year that the cigarettes will go and stay gone. The health benefits are pretty well known, but I should also cope much better with anaesthetic and healing too. Due to my exercise options being pretty much out of my control, I will enjoy my 15 mins of swimming, my Physio sessions, walks and oh yes, I will use sex as an excuse for some cardio...

Self worth: I have spent most of my life, being my worst enemy. I've never held myself in high regard, so I struggle to see anything about me but my flaws, the negatives. For every good point, I could find five bad, and it really isn't a healthy thing to do. I have no plans to be someone or something I'm not, I just want to learn to accept the good things, without always searching for the bad. To help me here, I've  decided I need to include more glamour in my choice of clothes and make the most of my assets, and what awesome assets I have too! (Behave you lot)

Hobbies: At present, working is not a viable option, so I'm often stuck with time and nothing to do to fill it. So, I've decided I need hobbies. I'm revisiting my French, and hoping to learn Italian after. I am determined to learn to knit, and also want to improve my photography. I need things to exercise my mind as I feel like it is deteriorating along with the rest of me. I just might be a multilingual, multitalented woman by the end of the year! I also want to focus in my writing, expand my style and way with words and work on my website, as well as on a project that will possibly lead to publication, but don't hold me to to that, y'know, no pressure and shizznit.

Excess: I noticed I seem to have an abundance of lotions and potions, shower gels and scrubs, nail polishes and perfumes too. Being a female these are the easy fall back options for people when it comes to gifts, and quite frankly people either ink I hum, or just like to make me smell amazing all the time (which u do, I always smell good!). This year I am going to try and avoid buying any perfume,toiletries or nail polishes, until I reduce the excess I am currently hoarding. I kid you not, I could give Boots a run for their money at the moment.

Finances: I hate this aspect of life, the money one. All I can really say here is I am going to be plotting every bloody outgoing, and in some vain hope it might just mean I end up with less struggles each month, if I'm keeping such a close eye on it all. 

Road tripping!: This year I'd like to get out of London more, visit people and see new places. As much as I'd like to get out of the UK, just away from the big smog will do me for now, baby steps and all...

As much as I'd like to turn into a rich, jet setting beauty, I'll be content if I can make this year a little less harsh on me in all ways possible. Here is to 2014....

May old acquaintance be forgot..

I was tempted to forego writing about this year,but that would kind of defeat the object of having a blog where I plan to be honest, mainly to myself more than to anyone else.

After realising I need to accept it have limitations, I had hoped that this year would be different.nalas, it was not. I didn't get the help and support I expected from certain medical teams and professionals and learnt that people are rather eager to write you off, be it in a medical or a personal sense instead of asking what can be done to make things easier. I have let go of some friendships, as I don't have the energy to fight a lost cause, and sadly these things can reach a point where they go no further. Saying that, I have also  strengthened others, and forged new friendships, which I feel are just going to go from strength to strength. I've dealt with some truly spiteful people, spines cowards and those who don't seem to realise what a negative effect they have on others, and to them I wish them the best. To those who I drifted from, I'm sorry; to those I've learnt are always there, I love you, to new and old, I wish you well.

My health has decided to throw me some massive curveballs, with me nearly landing in hospital with serve complications due to an error with my diabetes care,plus the never ending appointments, loss of medical teams and also actively seeking out help and support myself, I can't remember the last time I went more than a week without seeing one form of health professional or another. It won't be any easier in the coming year, but it will be different. How do I know? Because this time, I have taken the reins and I am in charge if my health. If I'm not happy, I'm changing teams. If I want a second opinion, believe me I will hunt it down. I know I will never be fighting fit and pain free, but I will do all I can to be as "normal" as I possibly can. In the last 18 months, I've gone from someone who was pretty active, losing weight and gaining definition - to someone who isn't allowed to swim more than 15 mins as my body is so out of whack. I've gained weight I fought to lose, and gone through my own personal hell. Yet, I'm a fighter, so I'm not ready to just roll over and give in.

2013 also saw my brother get married to his teenage love. It meant I got to dress up and feel pretty normal for one day, and it was worth. 

I also had my heartbroken as my darling greyhound was diagnosed with cancer and died a matter of weeks after. Sheila was everything to me, and the void has been hard to deal with. Whenever I crashed, she was the one who loved me without making me feel bad, or guilty that I might have done too much. After hospital days, she would find me and pin me down for cuddles until all my stress went away. Dogs are magical creatures in my eyes, and she was immensely special to me. So many times I've woken in agony, and wanted my girl to come snuggle up, but then it hits me. 

2013 has had some amazing highs too, don't get me wrong. I met some amazing people, got my gorgeous feather tattoo and realised I have a strength in me that no one can ever take away. I've seen wonderful things in the theatre, visited exhibits and seen bands play. I've been a big kid and played on the swings, I've been to zoo, drunk fantastic cocktails with beautiful girls and started to learn to love myself. I've started my own website, met wonderful deviants and erotic writers, cried and laughed more than I can think about, but most of all, I've made it through another year.

Here is to the next one.

Happy new year xx

Project October; The food chapter..

So, its officially October. I decided on a whim at the end of September that October was going to be my month of change. No Stoptober, no sober October, but Project October instead.

Today I'll talk you through the food chapter of my #projectoctober. I have a funny relationship with food. It isn't a bad one per se, I'm not one of those who eats a million takeaways, crisps and shit and complains I'm fat but don't know why, but I know I could eat better. Leaner. I sat down and decided what changes to my diet I was going to make. Each person would differ. Some might decide to abandon all carbs, others to ditch meat for a month perhaps. These are my changes. I wouldn't think for a moment to try and force them on others.

• Planning; I cannot stress how much this helps me. And how important it is as it will be the one thing that keeps me fromk drifting too far off course. I sat down on Sunday and drew up my menu, my shopping list and even dotted in random things like breakfast and snacks. I am normally the kind who wakes and goes "Meh, simple and quck" and it can lead to me beiong a bit of a tit and choosing something I can eat on the run whoc can lead to my poor diabetes going "Seriously?! what the fuck woman". Those moments need to stop and this way I have no excuse. I have a wonderful library of books to hand, plus the actual library and the internet. This means my diet wont feature the same 4-6 meals which leads to boredom and it going awry at the first hurdle.

• Portion control; Such a simple thing that we all slip up on. I actually measured out my porridge the other day and was surprised at how much 30g dried actually is. I struggled to eat it all, yet you can show me a steak and I'll sod the recommended size. I'm paying attention to what is the recommended portion in carbs and fats and in some cases feel cheated, in others feel utterly spoilt. I'm not exactly starving to death here. 

• Increase the use of wholemeal/wholegrain carbs; I don't gorge on the things, but I do eat carbs. I mean, you won;t find me eating a whole loaf of toast (unless I am beyond pissed off my nut and ravenous, but I haven't been seen doing that for a decade now..) but I am a fan of a lovely toasted product with butter. So, out has gone the typical white bread for me, and in comes malted seeded stuffs. I prefer multiseed as it takes longer to break down and I always feel more satisfied on it. When it comes to pasta, I am doing a simple swap with the healthier stuffs, slowing the sugar spikes that white pasta can bring. My rice is no longer just simple white basmati. Wholegrain rice and wild rice has been added to the mix. I'm a rebel, me.

• Increase Pulses, whole grains in diet; Hello Kidney beans! Bonjour flageolets! It's autumn, the soups and stews are appearing. I may as well make full use of this and add a few different legumes to bulk out dishes and keep me fuller. I quite like trying new things and adapting recipes, and this way I can do so without causing too much damage to the waistline.

• Decrease the naughties; I won't lie. I have a thing for the decadent side of food. I love a good quality chocolate bar, a freshly baked good (be it by my own hands or others) and can be tempted by the sweeter side of life. I don't go mental and eat a 500g bar in a sitting, but I can demolish marshmallows if left top my own devices. So, out of sight, out of mind. The fizzy drinks have been swapped with green tea based cold drinks, the coffee is decreased and the herbal teas upped. The sweet craving? Frozen grapes are my solution, plus the odd nectarine. Fruit is seriously high in natural sugars, so can lead to my diabetes kicking up a fuss, so my fruit intake has often been limited due to this. It's all about balance.

I'm not going to bore any readers and list everything I've done on this front, but this way I can look back and see what I chose to do, and it gives anyone else an idea of possible things. My ProjectOctober is my way of taking things and making them better for me. On the food front, I've actually had some fun this week, and at the weekend I plan to be a photo bore and bomb you with some things I have made this week. As you do.

The Blog; The Blogger

I am a girl who often starts projects, and in time they fall to the wayside, forgotten and forlorn. I've decided this pattern happened as I always tried to focus too much on one element, therefore felt that certain ramblings and such didnt fit, so they weren't going to be written. This was stupid. Very, very stupid. So, I have decided to try again. As you do.

Before, I've had blogs dedicated to food (mainly) but this time I want it to be a bit of most things. I say most, because there are some thoughts and such that really shouldn't be shared with a trillion strangers on the internet and that could possibly lead to a truly theatrical downfall, or just leave you going arse over tit and making a twat of yourself.  This is another of my little spots in the blackhole that is social media and blogging, and this time I will try and do it right. (what is right by the way, I dunno).

I guess I could start with a "HELLO THIS IS ME" kinda thing, but thats not really my style. I'll do that in fits and starts, and over time this will shape up to be some sort of semi decent blog. I Hope. What I will say is that it wont juwst be about food, even though I do an awesome food blogpost. It'll also be a bit about my conditions, the stuff I live with and go through, to help me understand what I have, let alone anyone else, but if it spreads awareness, then in my eyes its a good thing. There will be talks of films, books and music, of days out and days in. Good stuff and bad. As I said, my little corner of the infinitive space that we call, the web.

The next 31 days I will be embarking on what I have called #ProjectOctober.
 You what now? I hear some mumble. I have decided that seeing as my birthday is looming *coughcough25Novembercoughcough*  that I want to take a month and focus on a project. Me. I am my own project. So what does it entail?

• Food; Glorious, wonderful, nutritional food. I have messed about with most diets on the planet, and like a vast majority I end up failing and walking away. I will be doing a proper post about this aspect of it in the near future.
• Feelings; Sounding hippy like yet? I don't mean I'm going to psychoanalyse myself, but I am going to focus on how things make me feel, and if I'm unhappy, do something about it.
• Finances; Hello pretty pennies, oh. Bye pretty pennies. This sucks. Big time.
• Fitness and Fatigue; Will divulge in depth soon. Maybe.

I'm not planning on becoming a bore and cutting out everything in life I enjoy, but perhaps evaluate. I like a good evaluation in the evening. Especially if wine and music can be involved.